Wild ones, it’s so easy to forget a key word in the Wild definition. Courage
It’s easier to bring the not scary parts of yourself out into the world. To hope that the Wild parts of ourselves are the parts that we don’t mind sharing. For everyone, those scary parts are different. Some folks feel the need to hide their greatness because they don’t feel worthy. Some folks want to hide their sorrow because they don’t want to impose on others. Others folks hide their joy because they believe that it’s not fair for those who have less.
What parts of you are you hiding from others?
For me, it’s weakness.
What is the cost of not showing our full Wild selves?
For me, it’s anger.
That anger is often saying “Why can they not see me?”. Well, anger, it’s because you haven’t shown yourself to them yet. How can they see you if you’ve not shown them?
Last week, I was in a shame spiral. One born out of exhaustion and sadness compounded repeatedly by telling myself stories. Spiraling out of reality. All of this had to do with working with Team Wild, not wanting them to see my weakness. After a rough meeting, where I cried and a long email where I was angry. I went out on to my balcony to sit in the warm sun.
I could feel that my spiraling was coming from sadness and exhaustion. I needed to get out of my head and I needed to refill my soul.
These days refilling my soul is harder than usual. There aren’t visits with close friends, options to play with my nieces and nephews, the ability to connect to nature by traveling to a state or national park, or to drive to my hometown for a meal at a favorite restaurant. This time I had to settle with sitting in the sun on my balcony and talking to a friend on the phone.
There on my balcony, in a long forgotten, tomato pot, I found my connection to nature. Beautiful green spirals growing seemingly out of no where. My reminder that even in the midst of everything, spring is still coming.
In order to get the support I needed from Team Wild, I needed to have the courage to show my scary side, my weakness, my spiraling, and the resulting anger. I had to let them know how I function when I am not at my best. I had to have the courage to say, this is me on a bad day and trust that we can work together as a team to figure out how to we can build an even stronger team, scary sides and all.
Next time I start to spiral about feeling that my weakness is showing in my work, I will be better able to say, ‘Hey Team, I’m spiraling here. You know what that means. I hate showing any signs of weakness, and here I am. Here’s what I need and here’s what I don’t need right now.’ Courage, right? And trusting the team.
And knowing a new season is coming.